Not a dry eye….

I hold your little body in my arms, it’s late and this is the time I get all to myself. When I hear you stir and a cry I instantly jump up. 8 months have passed, I feel as if I just had you yesterday. These past months have been a blur every day became the day I could make you better, your discomforts and cries left me hollow and weary. I wanted to fix it, make you better every day I knew I could until I would fall clothed onto my bed exhausted from trying and not succeeding. It wasn’t me, it was out of my hands. It took me so long to hear that message. GOD I was so deaf to you…..

I wake every night my mind racing with doubt and fears, this will never get better, when will it end. Why did I have a baby that was so unhappy, scratching, tense, that no one not even the body who carried him could console. You push me away in pain your fists clenched like the day you arrived into my arms. All I want is to heal you. Dry your cheeks. Whisper I love you and to feel your head rest on my chest.

I lay in bed at night and write to you, I love you little boy and I am so sorry you have been so ill. The first months of life should be warm, swaddled, and so soothing. I nurse you and that is all you want all the time & anytime because all I want is to see you content.

I have spent so much time with you these past eight months that I miss your brother, I hear him in his room playing when I am with you and I pine for him. Pine to play and read, and lie on his bed and tickle, laugh and butterfly kiss like we used to… I miss him. He misses me too, but doesn’t know how to say it. It’s been a very trying 8 months but, I see the silver lining. This was all a lesson in strength and faith…

I laid awake weeks ago, sleep was far away my brain active with worry and blame. I heard a voice that said as clear as a bell “how is your faith”?
I pretended it wasn’t you, maybe I made this up, maybe it’s someone else… Thank you for opening my ears and letting me see through the darkness that I brought in here….. The sun is out. Jet is healed no more colic, sinus infections, reflux, ear infections, constipation, or RSV. No more pumping you with antibiotics and every other medicine. You can breathe and I can lay you in your crib that has never been touched until now.

I can take back some of that time I missed with your brother and your daddy. No longer a robot operating on 3 -4 hours of sleep. I see you laugh and you light up my heart, you rest your tired head on my chest, your hands open, your tummy soft, and your smile, oh that smile – all I can do is smile back. We have climbed some serious mountains already little man of strength, and I thank you for humbling me before my GOD.
I am always loving you my sweet, sweet son.
Your faithful momma…
xoxo And now we sleep….


Birth Announcement…

I know it’s so late but I never put Jet’s birth announcement up..

Check it out, and contact me if you want one of your own designed!


love & marriage…

I have been thinking about relationships lately and I had to find some answers to one of life’s most profound questions.


“What does it take to sustain a happy and successful relationship/marriage?”

If you can discover how love works as a cause, you can rescue it every day.

What causes love to go away?

Many answers have been offered — boredom, routine, various distractions, outside obligations, fixation on work, wandering libido, lack of trust.  But instead of dealing with such a long list item by item, there might be a simpler way. If you can rescue love every day, bringing yourself back to the place where love is, all the other problems don’t have a chance to grow.

Love as a cause goes beyond the individual. It’s transpersonal or as spiritual teachers say, transcendent. That’s not the same as mystical. To transcend means to go beyond. In this case, we want to contact love that goes beyond the ego. The ego is often put in charge of love. When love becomes what “I” want, then relationship is a negotiation between two selfish points of view. There’s nothing wrong with negotiating the everyday details of your relationship – who does the dishes, when to have sex, how to have sex, etc. — but love isn’t about trade-offs and what happens in bed.

Love beyond the ego has to be on a new basis. It’s not about quid pro quo, giving as long as you get to take. It’s mutual. It exists in a space between two people. The only way to be deeply happy in a relationship is to find that space every time you lose it. In this way, love goes beyond affection and being nice. Loving acts blossom naturally once you find the place in your own awareness that is love. Needless to say, becoming aware is a process, in love as in everything.

Consider how relationships develop. We get along well with someone else who agrees with our point of view. We feel an intimate connection; we feel validated in their presence. Then the spell is broken. The other person turns out to have many opinions and beliefs where we don’t agree at all. At this point, the war between right and wrong starts and the road to unhappiness unwinds.

The very fact that you are intimately related makes it even more painful to find areas of disagreement. At the subtle emotional level you feel abandoned. The beautiful sense of merging with someone you love is shattered. At this point love is compromised. Both people feel the return of the ego, which says, “I am right. My way of doing things is the only way. If you really loved me, you’d give in.”

When the need to be right fades, we stop having so many grievances and resentments, which are the fallout of making someone else wrong. Instead of wasting time with the ego’s version of love, return to the place of love. To detach yourself from anger, resentment, and the sense of being a victim happens only in the space beyond ego. You can only find this space by devoting yourself to knowing who you really are. Leaving the ego behind is the same as the spiritual quest for the true self.

When two people are on this quest, they are on the journey to a kind of love that can never be taken away. The differences between a man and a woman fade in the light of a shared goal that is bigger than any ego need or desire. Every day becomes both a rescue and a surrender. Not a surrender to another person’s ego, which can only feel like defeat. Rather, both partners surrender to the larger goal.

The ego’s path is much easier to walk and far more familiar. I know that someone is on the path of love when they ask the following kinds of questions about their relationship every day:

* Which choice is more loving?
* What will bring peace between us?
* How awake am I?
* What kind of energy am I creating?
* Am I acting out of trust or distrust?
* Do I feel what my partner is feeling?
* Can I give without expecting anything in return?

These questions don’t have automatic answers. They serve instead to wake you up spiritually. They attune you to a process that is more than “me” and “you.” When you become devoted to that process together, you and your partner will accomplish what seems impossible: your happiness will be as full for each of you as it is for the two of you together.

Deepak Chopra is President of the Alliance for New Humanity ( and Deepak Chopra’s new book, Jesus: A Story of Enlightenment is available at Follow Deepak on Twitter:
. Continue reading love & marriage…


LOVE is in the air…

Just wanted you all to get a peek at these amazing reusable bags from love reusable bags! One of the most inspirational/ creative minds I have ever worked with Grace Rogers is building this company and creating a beautiful image for their awesome products. Everything she touches turns to gold…

LOVE Reusable Bags, a fashionable eco-friendly alternative to the
traditional options available for the shopper seeking to reduce their impact on the environment.
LOVE Reusable Bags is the first collection to be directly marketed by American Joe Inc., the premier
source for accessories in the action sports market.

“LOVE Reusable Bags provide the perfect blend of style, utility and fun that our eco-friendly
fans have been requesting,” stated Vice President of Marketing, Grace Rogers. “We designed
this line with the on-the-go shopper in mind; functionality and fashion are at the core of this
collection. The bags look great in any venue and encourage consumers to reduce the use of
paper and plastic bags.”

With a wide variety of modern graphic designs, LOVE Reusable Bags offers stylish totes
perfect for everything from daily grocery shopping to weekend beach trips. The centerpiece
of the LOVE Reusable Bags line is the CHILL SET, a 4 – in – 1set that includes an insulated thermal
cooler with (3) sturdy, reusable and washable shopping bags (and room for more)
that hold up to 60lbs each. These truly are the bags you’ll never forget. You will LOVE that they
STAND UP on their own for easy loading, unloading, and smooth transportation in the car (cracked
eggs are a thing of the past!).

In addition to the CHILL SET, LOVE Reusable Bags will offer a variety of products including the
STASH IT, a super convenient lightweight shopping bag that stuffs into a small pouch that can fit in
your pocket or purse. The LOVE SACK is a perfectly sized canvas shopping tote with great ever-
changing graphic prints. And the WINE OH, a new cool reusable gift bag will make any bottle of
wine a special treat.

Ranging in price from $8.95 to $39.95, LOVE Reusable Bags is available in select specialty retailers
and online at .


And so it begins…

LOVE is all around… This Valentines month!


Happpy Valentines Day!

I Decided to forego the store bought generic valentines for Van this year. So I found these adorable mini retro valentines and I printed them on heavy cardstock we cut them out and personalized the backs of them. Van is giving goody bags filled with skittles, dinosaurs, silly bands, heart lolly pops and play doh! Click the link below to download your free mini valentines file!

FREE download & print: Valentines.


Christmas is Here!!!

WOW! It’s Christmas and we are really into it this year. Van has a huge list of things he wants including some things they don’t even make. Like a small spear gun.. hmm Don’t think Santa’s elves are crafting spear guns for 3 year olds….

Anyways I have been doing a lot of my shopping on the CSN, they have over 200 online stores and they carry everything from handbags to tv tables! And most of the shipping is free! I just ordered some boots for my nephew and that remote control submarine that Van has on his wish list! Here are some trees that inspired me to decorate! More later….


Happy Thanksgiving!

This makes me happy! I just made it for Thanksgiving and can’t wait to make it again for Christmas Dinner!

Here is the Recipe….


The gift of Sleep!!! Giveaway…

I just have to tell you that I was jumping for joy this morning at 6:45 when I went in to Jet’s room and looked into his crib and there lying on the sheets was my sweet little boy smiling up at me! He slept for 8 HOURS!! My friend Malia sent me a package of really cute baby clothes and in the box were two Miracle Blanket !

Hundreds of Thousands of Well-Rested Babies Can’t Be Wrong:
Stops Colic – GUARANTEED!
• Helps Fussy Babies Sleep Great!
• Helps Ease Fussiness For ANY Baby!
• Aids In Preventing Facial Scratches!
• 100% High Quality Cotton • Helps Babies Sleep Better On Their Backs!
• Helps Stop Twitches That Wake Your Baby!
• Makes Breast Feeding Easier!
• One Size Fits All Up to Four Months

They truly are a miracle.. It kept him all snug as a bug all night and he woke up so happy! No diaper change, no velcro scratching me in the middle of the night, just pure sleepy bliss. He is 10 weeks old… It soothes babies keeps them from scratching their little faces and can help with colic and so much more. It quietly and completely swaddles your infant and keeps them content and soothed.

Win It: One lucky reader will win a Miracle Blanket . Visit the Miracle Blanket site and tell us which color or color combo Miracle Blanket you like best in your comment below.

( Leave a separate comment below for each one!)

1. Follow vanerwin on Twitter (1 entry)

2. Like vanerwin on Facebook (1 entry)

3. Or by tweeting the following: I entered to win the Miracle Blanket Giveaway @! Stop by and enter at (1 entry)

Congrats Callie! Your the Winner of the miracle blanket giveaway!!!

Giveaway ends Nov 24th @11:59PM PST. USA only. Winner will be picked via If your profile page does not show your email address, please include your email address in your comment. So that I may get in touch with you if you are selected as the giveaway winner. Please respond within 48 hours, or a new winner will be chosen.
This was not a paid post my honest opinions were used. The opinions are solely my own and may vary from others.
Best of Luck!


Precious Life…

Today was a real wake up call for me, sometimes you just have those days and I think they are necessary. Life is so precious, and we need to look around at what we are blessed with and be thankful each day. Today I was making a left on a street and all of the sudden a car showed up. I looked but our car has a blind spot and I didn’t see the car coming. I thanked my lucky stars and God and thought that would be it for the day.

We get home and do our normal routine, but things are hectic and Van need to be let loose to roam and play. SO he gets on his bike and I strap baby into my sling and we are off to the end of the driveway but Van doesn’t stop he rides right into the road and there is a mini van heading straight towards him. I yell and panic, my whole life flashed before me. The car slams on their breaks, and I bend down to tell him that we are not going to the park and mommy is having a heart attack… He cried about not going to the playground, but I need to instill in him the importance of safety and looking both ways before riding into the street. It’s so important being safe, taking care of ourselves, and watching over our children. I was right next to him when this went down… He is my love my light and the mere thought of anything happening to him makes me sick. I will protect him with all I have and all I am. when he cries in the night I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him his bad dreams are only his imagination and they will go away.

I know I am not in control of his life or Jet’s for that matter and things may come that we will have to deal with but that part is hard for me to grasp. It is God’s will and I need to give up the control to him.

Today a 3 x world champion passed away, someone I met when I worked in the surf industry and someone my husband looked up to with great admiration. Andy Irons you will be missed. This life is precious, tomorrow could be your last day. Make today count, and don’t forget to show everyone in your life how much you truly love them. God Speed Andy!