love & marriage…

I have been thinking about relationships lately and I had to find some answers to one of life’s most profound questions.


“What does it take to sustain a happy and successful relationship/marriage?”

If you can discover how love works as a cause, you can rescue it every day.

What causes love to go away?

Many answers have been offered — boredom, routine, various distractions, outside obligations, fixation on work, wandering libido, lack of trust.  But instead of dealing with such a long list item by item, there might be a simpler way. If you can rescue love every day, bringing yourself back to the place where love is, all the other problems don’t have a chance to grow.

Love as a cause goes beyond the individual. It’s transpersonal or as spiritual teachers say, transcendent. That’s not the same as mystical. To transcend means to go beyond. In this case, we want to contact love that goes beyond the ego. The ego is often put in charge of love. When love becomes what “I” want, then relationship is a negotiation between two selfish points of view. There’s nothing wrong with negotiating the everyday details of your relationship – who does the dishes, when to have sex, how to have sex, etc. — but love isn’t about trade-offs and what happens in bed.

Love beyond the ego has to be on a new basis. It’s not about quid pro quo, giving as long as you get to take. It’s mutual. It exists in a space between two people. The only way to be deeply happy in a relationship is to find that space every time you lose it. In this way, love goes beyond affection and being nice. Loving acts blossom naturally once you find the place in your own awareness that is love. Needless to say, becoming aware is a process, in love as in everything.

Consider how relationships develop. We get along well with someone else who agrees with our point of view. We feel an intimate connection; we feel validated in their presence. Then the spell is broken. The other person turns out to have many opinions and beliefs where we don’t agree at all. At this point, the war between right and wrong starts and the road to unhappiness unwinds.

The very fact that you are intimately related makes it even more painful to find areas of disagreement. At the subtle emotional level you feel abandoned. The beautiful sense of merging with someone you love is shattered. At this point love is compromised. Both people feel the return of the ego, which says, “I am right. My way of doing things is the only way. If you really loved me, you’d give in.”

When the need to be right fades, we stop having so many grievances and resentments, which are the fallout of making someone else wrong. Instead of wasting time with the ego’s version of love, return to the place of love. To detach yourself from anger, resentment, and the sense of being a victim happens only in the space beyond ego. You can only find this space by devoting yourself to knowing who you really are. Leaving the ego behind is the same as the spiritual quest for the true self.

When two people are on this quest, they are on the journey to a kind of love that can never be taken away. The differences between a man and a woman fade in the light of a shared goal that is bigger than any ego need or desire. Every day becomes both a rescue and a surrender. Not a surrender to another person’s ego, which can only feel like defeat. Rather, both partners surrender to the larger goal.

The ego’s path is much easier to walk and far more familiar. I know that someone is on the path of love when they ask the following kinds of questions about their relationship every day:

* Which choice is more loving?
* What will bring peace between us?
* How awake am I?
* What kind of energy am I creating?
* Am I acting out of trust or distrust?
* Do I feel what my partner is feeling?
* Can I give without expecting anything in return?

These questions don’t have automatic answers. They serve instead to wake you up spiritually. They attune you to a process that is more than “me” and “you.” When you become devoted to that process together, you and your partner will accomplish what seems impossible: your happiness will be as full for each of you as it is for the two of you together.

Deepak Chopra is President of the Alliance for New Humanity ( and Deepak Chopra’s new book, Jesus: A Story of Enlightenment is available at Follow Deepak on Twitter:
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love is….

Love is a funny thing isn’t it? Over time you would think that it would get easier and easier and that eventually when your old you know each other so well you wouldn’t even need to speak, you can just read each others minds. Sometimes that speaking part is true, but I have to say I love seeing an old couple holding hands or gazing into each others eyes. It makes my heart sing.

I scrolled through my treasure box of photos and couldn’t seem to find a recent one of Conner and I, until I got to the pictures of our trip to Puerto Rico in Dec. I am making a pact that we will start taking more photos of ourselves together, I will make it a priority. Somehow when you have a baby or babies, all of your attention and focus seems to go into your child’s life and happiness. You must not forget about your own.

Last night we were doing a bible study together and I pulled out a photo of us when we met. These words floated through my tired mind – bliss, young, blind. We were so shocked to have met each other those first two years that it seemed like someone had super glued us together, if we were apart we were lost. He completed me, and I had never felt that before. Now after four years of marriage, that bliss has resided and we are learning how to become one, unified. A team more or less. Relationships are not easy, but we were not created to be alone in this world, and two is far more powerful than one. We may never have that blissful time back where those pheromones shot through our bodies, and made us feel high at the mere sight of each other. But we have a lifetime together to grow old by each others sides. When I think about our love I am reminded of a quote I put on the back of our wedding invitations, it is from an Etta James song. “I found a thrill to press my cheek to”.

The time we spend together in our house smiling at our son, and smiling at each other is what our love is. We are on to simply living in harmony, learning how to respect, forgive, praise, nourish, and love each other a little more today than we did yesterday.