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03.16.11

love & marriage…

I have been thinking about relationships lately and I had to find some answers to one of life’s most profound questions.

Question:

“What does it take to sustain a happy and successful relationship/marriage?”

If you can discover how love works as a cause, you can rescue it every day.

What causes love to go away?

Many answers have been offered — boredom, routine, various distractions, outside obligations, fixation on work, wandering libido, lack of trust.  But instead of dealing with such a long list item by item, there might be a simpler way. If you can rescue love every day, bringing yourself back to the place where love is, all the other problems don’t have a chance to grow.

Love as a cause goes beyond the individual. It’s transpersonal or as spiritual teachers say, transcendent. That’s not the same as mystical. To transcend means to go beyond. In this case, we want to contact love that goes beyond the ego. The ego is often put in charge of love. When love becomes what “I” want, then relationship is a negotiation between two selfish points of view. There’s nothing wrong with negotiating the everyday details of your relationship – who does the dishes, when to have sex, how to have sex, etc. — but love isn’t about trade-offs and what happens in bed.

Love beyond the ego has to be on a new basis. It’s not about quid pro quo, giving as long as you get to take. It’s mutual. It exists in a space between two people. The only way to be deeply happy in a relationship is to find that space every time you lose it. In this way, love goes beyond affection and being nice. Loving acts blossom naturally once you find the place in your own awareness that is love. Needless to say, becoming aware is a process, in love as in everything.

Consider how relationships develop. We get along well with someone else who agrees with our point of view. We feel an intimate connection; we feel validated in their presence. Then the spell is broken. The other person turns out to have many opinions and beliefs where we don’t agree at all. At this point, the war between right and wrong starts and the road to unhappiness unwinds.

The very fact that you are intimately related makes it even more painful to find areas of disagreement. At the subtle emotional level you feel abandoned. The beautiful sense of merging with someone you love is shattered. At this point love is compromised. Both people feel the return of the ego, which says, “I am right. My way of doing things is the only way. If you really loved me, you’d give in.”

When the need to be right fades, we stop having so many grievances and resentments, which are the fallout of making someone else wrong. Instead of wasting time with the ego’s version of love, return to the place of love. To detach yourself from anger, resentment, and the sense of being a victim happens only in the space beyond ego. You can only find this space by devoting yourself to knowing who you really are. Leaving the ego behind is the same as the spiritual quest for the true self.

When two people are on this quest, they are on the journey to a kind of love that can never be taken away. The differences between a man and a woman fade in the light of a shared goal that is bigger than any ego need or desire. Every day becomes both a rescue and a surrender. Not a surrender to another person’s ego, which can only feel like defeat. Rather, both partners surrender to the larger goal.

The ego’s path is much easier to walk and far more familiar. I know that someone is on the path of love when they ask the following kinds of questions about their relationship every day:

* Which choice is more loving?
* What will bring peace between us?
* How awake am I?
* What kind of energy am I creating?
* Am I acting out of trust or distrust?
* Do I feel what my partner is feeling?
* Can I give without expecting anything in return?

These questions don’t have automatic answers. They serve instead to wake you up spiritually. They attune you to a process that is more than “me” and “you.” When you become devoted to that process together, you and your partner will accomplish what seems impossible: your happiness will be as full for each of you as it is for the two of you together.

Deepak Chopra is President of the Alliance for New Humanity (www.deepakchopra.com and www.anhglobal.org). Deepak Chopra’s new book, Jesus: A Story of Enlightenment is available at Amazon.com. Follow Deepak on Twitter: twitter.com/Deepak_Chopra.
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05.09.08

Love and Marriage…..


Conner and I celebrated four years of marriage yesterday, we had a mellow night at home, with some of our favorite foods. It’s amazing that four years seems so long, but in the grand scheme of things it is really so short. We have gone through so much already in these four years of marriage. I do know that when we were hugging each other yesterday and looking at Van I felt so much energy and happiness for the moments we share and what we have built together. I have some beautiful flowers from my mom and sister, and lilly’s from Conner. I got a gift certificate for a massage too! Good luck this weekend in your surf contest, Dad! We love you.

05.04.08

It’s a relationship…


This coming week is a big one, Conner and I celebrate 4 years, mothers day, and Van turning 14 months old (Next Monday). Oh and I planned a little going away party for myself with my closest friends that I have made here. It is Saturday night! So I am looking forward to having them all together in one place with me for a night, so I can give them a little gift and celebrate having them in my life.

I do miss my most lovely friend so much, she is in South Carolina and I have not seen her in too long. I just stumbled upon this photo of us together before any kiddos were in the picture. Now I have a one year old, and she is growing a little one in her tummy. I am so excited!!!

I feel GOD working in me everyday, I have a relationship with him that I constantly maintain. I tell him things that I would never say aloud, he listens…. This relationship is not a certain religion in my mind. I speak to him even in my unconscious states. Sometimes when I am asleep I wake in prayer. I have found peace lately amidst the chaos. I have found that I am the only one who makes my days, and the better I am for myself the better I am for those I love. Yes I am working on myself, I am not going to lie. It is an ongoing process, but having a child look up to me makes me want to be a better person.

02.15.08

Valentine’s on my mind

I have this book I have carried with me for the past few years, and every now and then I open it up for inspiration and some colorful moments. I love looking into other peoples lives and what better way to do it than in a book filled with postcards sent to people across the world. PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail
in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard.

I really like it although it does have a dark side to it, but love has it’s sunny moments and it dark moments. Doesn’t it? Marriage is not always sunny, but the times when it’s dark are the times when you are learning the most. I ask for our marriage to be a bond that grows tighter every day and I can actually look back on the past year and notice a place where I started seeing it tighten like the laces on a shoe. Love is a funny thing, and it will probably take me forever to figure it out. I felt so red this year, the holiday was more this year for me than ever before. I have more love in my heart, and I feel so much love surrounding me. My heart continues to grow, never let yours stop.