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08.11.08
08.04.08
07.24.08
Today I let this little jewel of a house go! Don’t ask, we just couldn’t afford it. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. So we are now signing a lease for a house without a dishwasher…..
All of you single moms and military mothers, you are strong women and I admire you more than ever after five weeks without my husband. I did have a few breaks but not enough. Van went to the DR’s today. He has an inner ear infection, and a chest cold. He also got his first molar, today sometime during the 5 hours of crying, I looked into his mouth and saw something white in the very back. A TOOTH???? But he only has 8 teeth, why would a molar all of the sudden show up? This one isn’t just popping through the gum, it’s been there for a while and I didn’t even know it! He is on antibiotics now, so I am hoping tomorrow will be easier on us both.
07.20.08
It’s funny when someone close to you dies, how your mind and your emotions kind of take over and help you mourn almost naturally. I still think about Jeff everyday when I go throughout my day. I wonder, and worry, and keep him alive in my memory. I keep seeing older men that remind me of him. I finally had a dream about him last night for the first time since he passed. I was in his house, but it was a new one. He didn’t have any medicine in the house, it was clean, and he had a crib in there for Van. I got the message that stuck with me until I woke up that he didn’t have any more health problems, so there was no need for medicine in this house.
You know how you dream at night and in the morning when you wake up you can only remember fragments of it? That’s how this dream was, and I tried with all of my might to piece it all together. Did he come to visit me in my sleep, or was it my minds way of healing the wound that still lies in my heart? I decided to walk down to the dog park with Van and the dogs. No matter what dog park I go to I can’t help but remember all of the times I spent with Jeff at the dog park. It truly felt as if he was there with me. Before I moved here I went over to Jeff’s house to get some of his things and something he had in his garage for my sister. I found a black feather on the ground in front of his garage with white spots on it. Not too sure why I was so drawn to it, but I put it in my pocket and held on to it. I wrapped it up and brought it to my mom. She has this special connection with birds and so did Jeff. I had never really seen such a unique little feather.
Today as I was leaving the park I looked down into the grass and that same type of feather was laying there right before my feet. How odd that on this day of so much rememberance I would find something this symbolic of him. I got pretty emotional. I put the feather in the trunk of Van’s car, because it gave me something physical to hold onto. Van looked up at me, reached into his trunk, pulled out the feather and gave it to zeke, it dropped into the grass and after searching all over for it, I realized that I needed to let go of him. Van is only 16 months old but he teaches me something new every day. Let go Mommy! I may read into things too much at times, but I always learn something. I finally have my emotions back!
Conner is on his way home from Indonesia today, I can’t wait to have him here with us again. We have missed you so much. You are such a very important part of our little family. See you soon, DAD!
07.05.08
 
I truly forgot how awesome it is to be around family. This past week has been a reminder. I admit i have been so caught up in trying to find a home and many other things, so taking a couple days off to celebrate my dad’s 70th birthday in Miami was exactly what I needed.
Two of my sisters, my dad and I took a two day surprise trip to miami to ring in the 70th year of our dad’s life. We had fun kissing & swimming the dolphins at the miami seaquarium. We had a memorable dinner at the forge restaurant, we slept and swam at the world famous biltmore hotel sipping on yummy pina coladas.
Dad – you have set such a great example for me about how to go after what you want in life . You do what you love, and you never have to act your age. I love your energy and excitement for life , and I want you to know you will always be Young! I loved celebrating your birthday with you. Cheers to you, I love you.
Thank you H – for watching Van and making it possible for me to have a getaway.
06.17.08
This week has been trying, losing my cousin, packing up my house to move, Van getting a new tooth, and since toddlers are such creatures of routine this whole packing the house thing is overwhelming to him. He has been crying a lot this past week. I pick him up and try to console him, when we leave the house is when he returns to normalcy. Thank God that I have had Conner’s little sis here Kat to help me pack and play with Van she has been a God send. I did need help, and I am so glad I asked or I would be doing this alone while Conner works. Anyways I gotta keep it short. I have been really sad about the death of my cousin, so I am not so inspired to write much this week. I will get back on the train shortly.
Oh I do want to say one thing,
hey you people who drive SUVs, throw perfectly recyclable bottles and cans in the trash, clean their bathrooms with — gasp — bleach and think nothing of sometimes blasting the air conditioner or taking wickedly wasteful long, hot showers. (okay I do the shower thing every once in a while).
You think you know the type: the ones who think global warming is a hoax and scarf up natural resources like candy.
Start teaching your kids that this planet is not here for us to destroy, it is here to start preserving for them. Not sure if you have noticed or not but the entire US of A is switching over to greener, more sustainable ways of life. You should too, start somewhere, you have no excuse except that your lazy.
Reasons to start reducing, reusing, and recycling:
1. conserves natural resources; consider that if we didn’t recycle newspaper we would have to cut more trees to produce new newspapers,
2. conserves landfill space; landfills would fill up proportionately to the amount of materials we don’t recycle – if we didn’t recycle anything, most landfills would be full 10-30% faster than had we all recycled,
3. saves us money; yes, actually it does – a new landfill costs millions of dollars to develop and build – money that could better be spent on schools, roads, and public safety, and
4. it makes cents – yes – more people are employed with recycling businesses and many people sell recyclable materials.
peace brothers & sisters.
06.15.08
 
Today I received a phone call from my sister, any time someone starts out a conversation with are you driving. You kind of brace yourself for the worst. She said,
“It’s Jeff….
he’s gone…”
A neighbor found him. I am his only related family member in the area, it was comforting to know he was close. He does have a family who has been so amazing to him and they have taken him in as their own over the years, and he was like a grandpa/dad to them they will miss him so much as well. I just found out last week he had to have a surgery to remove his gall bladder and to clear a passage to his liver. But I guess after that he had reached his limit and decided this was the best way to go. I am hit so hard by this, as I am ready to depart from here. I went through my emails and realized I did try to get him closer to his family… I knew things weren’t easy for him financially. and his health was deteriorating due to a loss of hope and stress.
Here is an email I sent him a few months ago trying to get him to make a change. I did try…
Hi Jeffrey!
How are you doing?
we are back from our travels and wanted to see how things are with you.
Before we left you didn’t seem that great, are things moving in a better direction with business?
We looked at some rentals while we were home. It is so much cheaper to live there it is crazy.
If you want to move with us, just say the word. We are trying to move by April. I think we are actually going to do it.
Lets meet at the dog park this weekend, maybe on Saturday morning?
If that doesn’t work out maybe we can do an early dinner at our house one night next week…
Here is a pic of my mom when we surprised her for Xmas.
talk soon,
Love. D
I will miss him, I met him often at the dog park to talk and walk with our dogs. He was always interested in hearing about our life and Van. Here are a couple photos of Jeff and Van that I took recently. I will miss you Jeff. I wish you decided to move with us. I hope you are in a better place where there is no more pain in your heart.
Life is a funny thing, it is what you make of it, isn’t it?
05.09.08
03.16.08
Van’s Grandmom Mimi left today after a wonderful week. This past week was eventful and Van grew to love her so much. Every time she walked in the room, he would get a big smile on his face and lift his arms out for her to pick him up. She was a teacher for several years and being a grandmother is just second nature for her. Van keeps crawling into her room and looking for her, and my heart sinks. Mimi is a warm spirit, she wakes up happy and singing, a rare trait to find. She spent so much time just being with Van. Taking him on walks, letting him explore the outdoors, reading to him, playing in water, singing to him, and just kissing him. I love to see him developing relationships with the people who love him, creating bonds that will last a lifetime. She got to see him take his first steps last week.
Mimi took took us out to dinners, brought us books and music, new shoes and a pedicure to match, clothes for Van, toys, gas for the car, groceries in our fridge, a babysitter, and a warm loving heart. Thank you for all you do you are so cherished by us.
02.18.08
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