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04.22.11

Not a dry eye….


I hold your little body in my arms, it’s late and this is the time I get all to myself. When I hear you stir and a cry I instantly jump up. 8 months have passed, I feel as if I just had you yesterday. These past months have been a blur every day became the day I could make you better, your discomforts and cries left me hollow and weary. I wanted to fix it, make you better every day I knew I could until I would fall clothed onto my bed exhausted from trying and not succeeding. It wasn’t me, it was out of my hands. It took me so long to hear that message. GOD I was so deaf to you…..

I wake every night my mind racing with doubt and fears, this will never get better, when will it end. Why did I have a baby that was so unhappy, scratching, tense, that no one not even the body who carried him could console. You push me away in pain your fists clenched like the day you arrived into my arms. All I want is to heal you. Dry your cheeks. Whisper I love you and to feel your head rest on my chest.

I lay in bed at night and write to you, I love you little boy and I am so sorry you have been so ill. The first months of life should be warm, swaddled, and so soothing. I nurse you and that is all you want all the time & anytime because all I want is to see you content.

I have spent so much time with you these past eight months that I miss your brother, I hear him in his room playing when I am with you and I pine for him. Pine to play and read, and lie on his bed and tickle, laugh and butterfly kiss like we used to… I miss him. He misses me too, but doesn’t know how to say it. It’s been a very trying 8 months but, I see the silver lining. This was all a lesson in strength and faith…

I laid awake weeks ago, sleep was far away my brain active with worry and blame. I heard a voice that said as clear as a bell “how is your faith”?
I pretended it wasn’t you, maybe I made this up, maybe it’s someone else… Thank you for opening my ears and letting me see through the darkness that I brought in here….. The sun is out. Jet is healed no more colic, sinus infections, reflux, ear infections, constipation, or RSV. No more pumping you with antibiotics and every other medicine. You can breathe and I can lay you in your crib that has never been touched until now.

I can take back some of that time I missed with your brother and your daddy. No longer a robot operating on 3 -4 hours of sleep. I see you laugh and you light up my heart, you rest your tired head on my chest, your hands open, your tummy soft, and your smile, oh that smile – all I can do is smile back. We have climbed some serious mountains already little man of strength, and I thank you for humbling me before my GOD.
I am always loving you my sweet, sweet son.
Your faithful momma…
xoxo And now we sleep….

09.22.08

Floating

We are moving again! Into a different house this time, but less than a mile away.
Seems the house we rented had black mold, air quality that children should not be subjected to and now a water bill that is costing us over $500 for one month! The landlord has given us until the 26th – this Friday to be out. We will put our things in storage for a week and move into another house on the 4th of OCT. There we will settle.

I feel like a fish swimming in murky water because the water has been changed so many times. We are happy and doing fine other than these minor bumps.

Life is funny – just when you thought things were calming down they get a little rougher.
I am lifting it all up at this point and letting God sort some things out, no fighting. Just floating….

09.09.08

On the move….

Yesterday I took Van to the beach and we brought the dogs along. Since Van and I are staying at my moms and the dogs are still in the house we rented he doesn’t get to see them much. So we walked out onto the white sand. Van was in nothing but a diaper, white birds were all around us and the dogs ran into the water, a gentle breeze blew by us. The water was crystal clear and there was not a person in sight. For a moment I got a feeling of what heaven might be like except my husband was missing. No bugs were in sight, the heat was not that bad and for a moment I took it all in. It is for moments like these that we moved here. Lately I have really been missing home (California) my friends, having the door open in our house and letting the cool breeze blow in, watching Van play outside in our yard while I do things in side. The comforts of our life are so missed right now. It’s funny that saying “you don’t know what you got til it’s gone”. It’s true. We will try Florida out for a year and see how it goes. I know it takes time to build a life anywhere, but it’s hard. I know why people stay put now….

We looked at it as an adventure when we were packing up and leaving. Today it seems much harder than I thought it would be. I know this much Van turns one and a half this week and he knows his family, and it makes me smile to hear him call my mom’s name “non”. I always felt out of place here in Florida, the minute I arrived in California I knew that was where I was supposed to be. Turns out that is where I found some of the most important people in my life aside from my family. I love you Conner, thank you for enduring for us, I know you have given up so much to be here. What an adventure we are on huh?

05.15.08

Nostalgic already

Today I got a little emotional when Van and I were playing in his room, we made a fort out of sheets and played with his toys in there. I tried to take the moments and capture them in my memory. His room, the breeze blowing in the window, the curtains billowing. The music floating through the air. I started thinking about all of the hard work and energy we put into designing his room. Conner worked so hard on it. The thought of leaving the first home we owned and the place we brought our son home scares me a lot. There has been something really nice about being in our own little bubble out here. Change is hard on me, I start missing a place before I am even gone. I know it will all be fine but the waiting is harder than the arriving. I look around at this beautiful place and know it will live on in my hear and mind forever.

I just read this article and I am getting nervous about flying my dogs across the country in the middle of summer…. What should we do?
Our only other option would be to have Conner drive cross country with them when he comes in August. He will be out of the country for about two weeks in July so we would need to board them in a kennel and I think that would cause more stress on them than the scary six or seven hour flight across the hot country….

09.10.07

Transformation



I get these daily Om emails everyday and most of the time I skip over them and don’t read them but today I felt compelled by the title –
Useful Transformation.

It seemed to call to me. I have heard this same message in many different shapes and sizes this past week, and it seems I am now listening. I am letting go of any resistance to change and accepting that with transformation & growth comes discomfort.

As I watch Van go through change and growth I watch him struggle too, the natural human way to deal with growth is to fight it until we realize it is a natural state of life and it is when we truly let go and go with the flow we are so much more able to cope with it.

Transformation is a universal constant that affects our lives from the moment we are born until we leave earthly existence behind. At the root of all growth, we find change. Occasionally, change and the circumstances leading up to it are a source of extraordinary joy, but more often than not they provoke feelings of discomfort, fear, or pain. Though many changes are unavoidable, we should not believe that we are subject to the whims of an unpredictable universe. It is our response to those circumstances that will dictate the nature of our experiences. At the heart of every transformation, no matter how chaotic, there is substance. When we no longer resist change and instead regard it as an opportunity to grow, we find that we are far from helpless in the face of it.

These past 6 months have been filled with change and adapting to a new way of life, Conner started a new job, I left mine, we have a baby, and on and on. So this message was a nice one for me to absorb.

us last weekend at the beach!

A moment.