I hold your little body in my arms, it’s late and this is the time I get all to myself. When I hear you stir and a cry I instantly jump up. 8 months have passed, I feel as if I just had you yesterday. These past months have been a blur every day became the day I could make you better, your discomforts and cries left me hollow and weary. I wanted to fix it, make you better every day I knew I could until I would fall clothed onto my bed exhausted from trying and not succeeding. It wasn’t me, it was out of my hands. It took me so long to hear that message. GOD I was so deaf to you…..
I wake every night my mind racing with doubt and fears, this will never get better, when will it end. Why did I have a baby that was so unhappy, scratching, tense, that no one not even the body who carried him could console. You push me away in pain your fists clenched like the day you arrived into my arms. All I want is to heal you. Dry your cheeks. Whisper I love you and to feel your head rest on my chest.
I lay in bed at night and write to you, I love you little boy and I am so sorry you have been so ill. The first months of life should be warm, swaddled, and so soothing. I nurse you and that is all you want all the time & anytime because all I want is to see you content.
I have spent so much time with you these past eight months that I miss your brother, I hear him in his room playing when I am with you and I pine for him. Pine to play and read, and lie on his bed and tickle, laugh and butterfly kiss like we used to… I miss him. He misses me too, but doesn’t know how to say it. It’s been a very trying 8 months but, I see the silver lining. This was all a lesson in strength and faith…
I laid awake weeks ago, sleep was far away my brain active with worry and blame. I heard a voice that said as clear as a bell “how is your faith”?
I pretended it wasn’t you, maybe I made this up, maybe it’s someone else… Thank you for opening my ears and letting me see through the darkness that I brought in here….. The sun is out. Jet is healed no more colic, sinus infections, reflux, ear infections, constipation, or RSV. No more pumping you with antibiotics and every other medicine. You can breathe and I can lay you in your crib that has never been touched until now.
I can take back some of that time I missed with your brother and your daddy. No longer a robot operating on 3 -4 hours of sleep. I see you laugh and you light up my heart, you rest your tired head on my chest, your hands open, your tummy soft, and your smile, oh that smile – all I can do is smile back. We have climbed some serious mountains already little man of strength, and I thank you for humbling me before my GOD.
I am always loving you my sweet, sweet son.
Your faithful momma…
xoxo And now we sleep….