I just thought I would take this picture of Van getting ready for his nighttime bath.
He is patiently waiting for the warm waters to run over him. I took a bath with him the other night and he had his first chance to kind of swim, I just put him under the water with his head out and his body submerged. He was so happy and in love with the warm water. When we took him out he got upset, almost like being born again -huh?

I am tired lately, not getting to sleep much. Van wakes up about three times a night. Next Tuesday the 8th is Conner and my 3 year anniversary. I think we are going to try and do something fun together. We can’t seem to figure it out yet….

More later..
a tired girl.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Today I have been reflecting on the past 7 weeks, and remembering how awesome it was when I found out I was pregnant. I had no idea of the life changes that were upon us. I was so excited to carry a baby and grow my seedling for 9 months. Now when I sleep at night I still don’t sleep on my stomach remembering how it felt to have you in there. I miss you in my belly sometimes. But I am so happy your here VaN.

For the past 7 weeks I have felt this feeling of utter completeness that I never knew this child could give to me. I was always looking for something else, but it’s the need to be needed by a child that I was looking for. God fills my soul, but Van is my soul. I look forward to every minute I have with him, and can’t imagine leaving him in the arms of someone else to return to work. it doesn’t seem worth it. The most awesome feeling is that I can feed this little boy on my own too, I look forward to the times where we can sit together and I can hold him to my belly and feed him. It is the most amazing time we have together. When we feed him with a bottle, I miss him…

I can’t believe how fast he is growing and becoming a little boy, with a big belly. At night I go into his room to just look in the crib in amazement that he is ours. I wish he could sleep in our bed every night. The books I read say I should keep him in his room so he can get adjusted to falling asleep on his own. I want to help him fall asleep every night, but I know I need to start letting go and let him learn to do things on his own already at the tiny age of 7 weeks old.
I Love the way he looks at me when I show up in his room after sleeping in there on his own. He is happy to see me. The smiles that he just started doing, melt my heart and give me energy to get up 3 times a night to snuggle with my little one and push him close to me. I like to make him feel snuggy, like he may have felt when he was in my tummy. I love swaddling Van at night when he goes to sleep, I see the peaceful look that comes over his face when he realizes he is safe and snug. That is all I want for him right now, to feel safe. I realize I cannot provide that feeling for him forever but for now in these early days that is all I am striving for. I doubt myself everyday that I could do things better for him, but as soon as I take a deep breath and look into those big blue eyes it all seems alright again. I relax, and hold him close to my heart where he belongs.

Yesterday an old man stopped me in the bagel store and asked me if I didn’t mind telling him how old my baby was. I said he is seven weeks old today… with a smile.

He stared at Van for a minute and looked back at me and said “what a world it is to grow up in”. I knew exactly what he meant by that. It wasn’t a good thing either. I had so many doubts about bringing a child into this world because I think sometimes the bad can out weigh the good. Evil prevails over honesty. War is more eminent than peace.
I thought about it for a minute and at that moment I decided that my job now is to teach my son to be a loving, caring person, with values that are not of this world. I looked at the man with a tear in my eye and said “I will teach him to be a good man”. I will raise him to make the right choices and bring good into the world. But I will also make him aware of the hardship and troubles he will face during his life here on earth. However our time here on earth is so short compared to heaven.

This is our time to become parents and leave old habits and ways behind, to be a shining example of what we want our son to study.

I left the bagel store with van in one arm and I watched the man and his wife walk away hand in hand. They were in there 80’s at least and they looked so happy, but they had the signs on their faces that life had not been easy. I was so thankful I had run into him, he confirmed my feelings and made me realize this is the time to teach our son to be different.

Hello. This weekend we had family time & I had some mom time too. I got to run errands sans baby and I also got to go to a baby shower, and get a pedicure.

Van loves his Tiny love Gym that Garry Hawley bought him! Thanks Garry!!! I am in love with this company all of the toys are designed for the developmental stages in children’s brains, and they help them develop faster.
We have the mobile in Van’s crib too, that he loves to stare at when he is awake… Which is a lot of the time now. I like to play with him, and read him books. He just stares at the pages in amazement. I have been putting him in our bed lately and letting him sleep with us, it is so fun. I never thought I would be that type of parent but I am. I know he is growing up so fast already and the time that we can sleep with him in our bed will be short. I just love this little guy so much.

They look so much alike. Don’t ya think? Except that Van looks a little zombied out. That’s what breastmilk will do to ya, watch out…

Conner had time to bond with his son this weekend, and I can already tell that they love hanging out together. They had guy time, doing what guys like to do – a whole lot of nothin.

Van is all smiles now when he sees a familiar face… I caught one today and wanted to share it with you! Yesterday was a trying day, but I finally left the house after a good cry and went to Stefan and Summer’s house to share my feelings with them and have them hold Van for a little while… until he pooped and it leaked onto their clothes. ha So here we are today having a good day, naps are plentiful and I slept too with him on my chest for three hours this morning. finally, thank you lord. I got to vacuum today too, enough dog hair that I could make a sweater out of it.
more exciting info later! keep smiling!

Van turned one month this past week.
To celebrate his birthday we watched the video of us having him, or actually me having him! It was crazy. I had no idea how peaceful it was in the room. The lights were turned down low, everyone spoke in very low tones, and we had light music and aromatherapy filling the air. In my head I remember that I was yelling a lot. But when we watched the video I was very calm. I asked if he was Mexican when he came out, who knows why… but it was funny and everyone was laughing. I can say I did bring my child into this worked all natural too which I am proud of. I had a tiny bit of morphine to get me through the part where I dilated from 6 to 10 in 30 minutes. Anyways watching the video of Van’s birth almost seemed surreal like that girl wasn’t me in that bed having that baby. It is x rated so I don’t think we are going to be showing it at any dinner parties or anything like that!

I looked over at conner while we were watching the vid and he was holding his breath and pushing. I thought it was funny because you can hear him doing that on the video too. He really did get involved, at one point he got in the bed with me and helped hold my back… So awesome….

So here is Van’s one month picture.. I was over at Jen’s house ( one of my friends and also my doula) and saw she had done this each month with Laekin and it is so cool to see how much they grow with in a months time frame.

Tonight we are trying a new recipe from the other show on TLC that I watch all the time “take home chef” I love it. Check out what we are making for dinner.

I just started to eat fish again after a nine month hiatus I hated it. So we will see if it goes over well!

more fun stuff later.

Tomorrow Van will be 1 month old, it’s crazy how fast the time goes. It seems so difficult to do even the smallest task these days like write a thank you note or cook dinner, or go to the bathroom for the love of pete….

I have all of these things piling up on my desk, thank you notes, birth announcements (which i seem to have made very difficult on myself just to save a red cent!!) Today we did big thangs we went to the drs. and Van now weighs 10lbs and is 21.5 inches tall… yipee he is growing and healthy. That is all I prayed for when I had him in the warm oven for 9 months. He looks like a little old man still but when he smiles my heart melts and I see a little boy who just tooted and is laughing at himself.. (he toots a lot too) When Conner gets home from work he smiles at him too – just to say hello…

we went to target, and dropped the dogs off to be furminated what ever that means.

I am officially cutting myself off from tv during the day. You see I am addicted to little people, big world.
I have developed a love for little people over the past year, I never knew I had this obsession but I DO. I bought a dwarf avocado tree and planted it in my back yard to support little people, or dwarfs. I think it it pretty amazing that two dwarfs can produce normal height children.

Anyways it is my favorite show, when I am not watching jail/ prison shows which I am really into also. enough about me….

I wanted to show you this picture of Conner when he was just born. Can you believe he can hold a hammer ad age 1 day old. unbelievable. he is pretty handy around the house!

more later!

Van met his grandpa poppi, aunt kat, and gigi this Easter weekend.
It must be so amazing to be a grandparent after you watched your kids grow up and create new life themselves. I can’t imagine, seeing the eyes of Vans grandparents when they met him gives me a little idea of what it must be like. But I can’t even see that far into the future yet, to imagine van handing me his son or daughter. To look at them and see pieces of me in them seems like the most amazing experience to share with your kids…

caio.

As we continue to get older it is so important to remember to stay young at heart and keep movin forward.
“I am already telling Van to “stay young and keep his wheels in motion.” from the mouth of the white buffalo.
Who by the way is playing on 4/27/2007- San Juan Capistrano, CA – The Coach House
I want to go, it is his first show since his tour in Australia.

ON FAMILY:
My sister left yesterday, and I cried like a little 3 week old infant, Van cried too. Zeke was still sleeping by her door this morning when I got up. he was waiting for her to come out and take him for a walk since I have been neglecting the dogs lately.

I feed them and let them out but I don’t take them on the same vigorous walks I was taking them on when I was eager for Van to arrive on his due date! Those were some good walks.
After all I was on maternity leave everything was all set at the house and I had nothing better to do!

I have had time to look back and reflect on the last month and just how amazing it is to be surrounded by your family when you go through a transition like this one. The love and compassion that family members bring is a kind of love you don’t find anywhere else in life.
No matter what anyone says when you bring a child into this world it is your mom that comes to the rescue to make you feel better and care for you the way she knows best.
My mom should have been wearing a cape and some blue leotard’s, with a giant S on her chest because the things she did while she was here amazed me. The new landscape in our back yard, the amazing meals, the cleaning and disinfection of our house, exercising with VAN. And just being my mom, made such a difference.

Then without a day to be alone Van’s Mimi and Mike came to the rescue, the dogs were back to their long walks, the food was still good, and Van was always being held. The fridge was stocked too. It was so awesome to have this time of family togetherness and the help that I never had to ask for it was just there.

I guess I could go on for pages but I should cut it short.
Just having our own little guy makes me realize how special our time is when we are with our family and how often we take it for granted. It is memorable times like these that they come to your rescue and believe me it is a rescue. I love you all and thank you for your help. Can’t wait to see you very soon.

Van is still only sleeping about 2 to three hours before he wakes up at night ready for dinner or breakfast, not too sure what it is… I just know I am delierious and really tired a lot latley.

God Speed